On a snowy November day, my daughter Kit and I were dividing four boxes of tree ornaments between us. Kit, now living independently, wanted to set up her own Christmas tree. Unpacking the decorations stirred up years of loss and grief for children who were no longer part of our holiday celebrations.
Over eight years, our family grew and shrank with 23 foster children. While most placements were temporary, our two children came to us through adoption during our fostering journey. I was amazed to discover that Kit remembered the stories behind each homemade ornament, even for those she had never met. It was surprising to find out that her holiday memories differed from mine.
As I opened a box, I uncovered a tree topper given to my husband and me on our first Christmas as newlyweds. Running my fingers over the crack in the iridescent angel, held together by Krazy Glue, reminded me of the irreparable state of our marriage. Passing the angel to Kit, I hesitated, unsure if she would want it due to its fragile condition. However, her eyes sparkled beneath her festive reindeer hat as she eagerly accepted it.
“Mom, remember how I always wanted to be the one to place the angel on top of the tree? I thought I’d never be tall enough,” Kit reminisced with a laugh. “You’ve grown enough now, haven’t you?” And with that, the decision was made for the angel to go with Kit.
In another tin, I found a Santa sleigh and reindeer ornament crafted by an eight-year-old boy we had fostered back in December 1999. Made from foam blocks and pipe cleaners at a foster family Christmas party, it evoked a mix of lingering grief and frustration. Despite efforts, the boy was not granted permanent wardship after five years in our care, and we were cut off from seeing or contacting him. We hoped he knew how much we cared for him.
Sensing my shift in mood, Kit took the Santa decoration from me, reminiscing how I used to place it low on the tree so she could play with it. She admired the flames at the back of the sleigh, reminiscent of a movie scene. Like our foster children, Kit preferred watching “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” on Christmas Eve over attending church in the city.
Creating inclusive Christmas holidays for our foster children was a priority for us. We adjusted our family Christmas dinner dates so that the children could spend time with their families on Christmas and Boxing Day. We established a tradition of giving each child unique ornaments to decorate the tree or keep as mementos. This practice allowed the Santa and reindeer ornament made by our foster son to become a part of my collection.
Uncovering a reindeer ornament made of pompoms, ribbon, googly eyes, and pipe cleaner antlers, I recalled my son’s nickname for it, “Big Balls.” Dividing Christmas ornaments was not new to me, as my ex-husband and I had done so during our separation 20 years ago. Kit’s reflection on the Rudolph ornament’s consistency in her Christmas celebrations despite changes struck a chord with me.
This year’s tree decorating holds a different promise for me, as Kit’s joyful perspective is likely to overshadow any lingering sadness associated with each ornament. I eagerly anticipate seeing her decorated tree this holiday season.
